The Shining Amour

 

Shining amours have their best shield and sword. Looking forward to the best enemies on the battlefield to fight making the war worth it. After the fight, they celebrate it with joy and vain. The satisfaction of winning pleasure impacts their name around the fighter. Next time the battle comes around again, their name left a huge mark inside the enemies’ memories, deep-coming scars coming with a wake-up call they knew but still heading for it. Things people do for name and legacy. Winners will leave a huge history and marks in everyone head.

            I taught life as a battlefield since I was small. I was born into a conservative family. Dad is a doctor and mom is a house mom who working with dad at the same time. As a firstborn to 2 other younger brothers, I was expected to be a high achiever since I was small. Sent to a religious kindergarten and religious high school. I like how the religious thought stays with me. I love how the devotion to god was molded inside to me having a sincere thought of god and the universe around. But living in with conservative mindset parent it was hard to reach the point of satisfaction obedient child. I am never obedient in the eyes of my parents. The everyday moment I know I will never be enough for both of my parents; I start to hate myself slowly.  Despite the strong traditional culture, I am having until now, I was exposed by them to Barbie and other western cartoon culture. Surprisingly to them, the expose I had is not just a mere exposure, I was a girl who creates her passion through the western mind. I love arts, music, and fashion. Something that anybody who is conservative would call a disgrace. Nevertheless, I am still proud and keep going with my own natural passion.

            Gladly, my dad raised me with a good secondary education. I was exposed to good English knowledge since I was small. I can understand English when I was 6 years old in a household that speaks Malay the whole time. Having an asian tiger mom was stressful even until now we never stop fighting over small things. I hate her intonation of speak to us siblings and even had spoken to her about this but I know there is not a second of time she will ever change that for us. I am a person who is silent as to how my parents thought me to. Self-taught of less self-expression heartless and laid-back. Answering back ourselves to clear things up is disobedient. Other than continuous small fights, she always comments on my body shape. Sounds so negative. As thought by my religious teacher, we should always obey our parents unless it is something that against the religion. Everyone is well taught of it, but my question is do every action of parents is permissible without taking children’s emotion and physical well-being into thought.

            Growing up with bags of high expectation from parents on my shoulder, I know the time I were sent to Law school is the step I consensually willing to receive a bunch more hardships. Law school is never easy but at least something enjoyable for me to work on. I learn a lot of cool stuff but I never aim for good grades because I know my head will create so much terrible inside. Over three years in my degree, I had built up huge anxiety and depression due to stress from uncontrolled coffee consumption, lack of sleep, and the endless fight with my mom. I always feel stuck in between. By that, I put aside any expectation towards myself because if I do that, I know I can never handle any of messes in my life. Impact of my action, I enjoy my degree despite average grades in every semester, I know I will do the best outside of law school soon. That surely coming out from a person who knows herself well. Applying and learning is a huge difference especially in winning the case inside the court. That is all on my passion which I know without it I will not find my purpose and will keep dwelling on hanging thoughts of ending my life because I hate for not having an emotionally supportive family in the context of caring about my emotional well-being.

This almost like saying, to make my family understand, worrying too much about my future will not bring me anywhere. To make them understand the years I have been living for is in their own bubbles. To make them understand that along the moment I stop explaining myself and let them win in every argument is the point I had given up my hope for them to be the ideal parents I wish they were. This shows how expectation upon someone will kill the natural growth of someone. As a young adult, I understand myself not having expectations of something I can never control and by learning that I have a good relationship with myself. Everyone is never perfect; we are just growing so do my parents and I hope they will understand this too.

            Talking about my struggles in law school, as everyone else has coping mechanisms when they feel demotivated, I also have things I do when facing hardship. For me, I will be binge-watching Kittendust and Gita Savitri on Youtube. They both are my favorite YouTuber from Indonesia. Interestingly Fathia Izzati and I have a common as a law student. She finished her studies at 25 years old which surprisingly again, I am 25 this year. But lucky for her, she finds fortune in her passion which is music but not –yet for me. Gita on the other hand is a very passionate Muslim feminist I ever knew in my generation. I love her openness and braveness she has when pointing out her opinions and ideas especially on women empowerment. She is my inspiration to start blogging when I was in the first year of my degree. They are a huge influencer in my life. Someone who I will look up forever when I feel down, more like two big sisters for me.

            Enough of my personal life experience, let us think about how most therapists would say to each of their clients. Fact that most of our adult traumas were created since our childhood dissatisfaction and pain. The way humans keep on bring this inside themselves is something we all need to take into action. The way patients keep carry on the unsettled issues from their past life somehow make the unhappy life events subconsciously happened. Something that theological ideas can help but also an evolution human being needs to accept. Parents who growing up in different generations from us might hardly accept this fact but as time showing itself, they need to understand that child is also growing in their own generation. Generation is never the same from one another. As to how their parents and our parents growing up. Following their rules sounds more pleasing but that only stops the inner battle but not solving the real issue we face.

            Looking at how gracefully the mind working, we lost our innocence but never the hope. Words that I love to tell myself from time to time for her to keep going and never stop because I was born in this world because I want to. I will not make a choice cutting my own lines just to end it blindly. Ending my own life is always the work of God never mine. I hope everyone who is reading this will understand. We all own our own shining amour, strong knight helping us on the battlefield. The power of God keeps us going no matter how hard life is. Telling ourselves that we are not going to continue this cycle towards our children and we are going to create new beliefs we comfortable with. Understands that everyone in this world is trying their best including ourselves and our parents. Mental health is a priority to keep us sane and unload other works, tasks, and responsibilities. Mind over matters is what we all aim for. Do not underestimate ourselves and our capabilities. Keep going on, reach the best version of ourselves, as people’s words will never kill us, our mind willpower is stronger than those outside threats.

            This is not personal story of my life but story of a girl who always walking on shattered glasses but choose not to give up. She hopes that anyone who reading this will get inspiration and continue on living their best life.